current weight: 130 lbs

goal: 115 lbs

time: 12:00 pm

• 10 roasted chestnuts
• wheat toast with almond butter & honey
• grap juice

here it goes…

today i met with mychael. he had been texting me over the weekend asking if i wanted to hang out. i didnt want to. so today i met with him after class to tell him my side of the world.

i was mad. angry. confused. he had gone and went after girls as soon as we ended things. and yet he told me he still liked me. 

after telling him, i didnt feel relief. i didnt feel anything at all. i was waiting for something, a reaction. but nothing happened.

he then told me that he had nothing to say and he had just wanted to see how i was doing. he also told me that he had fallen into depression that affected his family.

my first reaction was that i had to help him. that i had to bring his life back to good. but he knows that he has to do this on his own. he cant go through anybody but himself and God. and he knows.

i really hope that God puts this in my heart and that i would understand and let him take care of himself.

i was waiting in line at the store and in front of me was a man with his 3 daughters. his 3 daughters were so adorable and they all looked to be in elementary school. as he was finishing his purchase, he asked his daughters what they wanted for dinner. if they wanted in n out or pizza. with no hesitation, the tallest, presumably the oldest asked “which one is cheaper?” the father honestly replied, “pizza is cheaper”. then she said “i dont want in n out daddy” he then asks her why she didnt want pizza. she says “because it costs more than eating pizza” then her sisters join by stating they wanted pizza instead because it was cheaper and costs less.

this was such a blessing to hear and experience because kids are people in smaller forms. they could maybe have a bigger heart than some grown up. :)

best YOU ever had but definitely not the best I ever had

i don’t understand selfish people.

i really really dont.

today, adam told me that april’s ex-boyfriend nick committes suicide thursday. he took the time to get a hotel room, video-chat with april and commit suicide right in front her watching the whole time by using a gas mask and chemicals.

adam and his family are fine but the main concern is for april because she had just ended the relationship with nick. i really hope and pray that God would just be with nick and april’s family. i hope that nick would find justice in you God and that you would be with him. 

i hope that april doesnt feel like it was her fault that he took himself and that nothing would be held against her. as for the family, they told me that they felt guilty and that they wish they had done something before.

may God be with you.

To let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can’t do it for someone else.
To let go is not to cut myself off,
it’s the realization I can’t control another.
To let go is not to enable,
but allow learning from natural consequences.
To let go is to admit powerlessness, which means
the outcome is not in my hands.
To let go is not to try to change or blame another,
it’s to make the most of myself.
To let go is not to care for,
but to care about.
To let go is not to fix,
but to be supportive.
To let go is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.
To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.
To let go is not to be protective,
it’s to permit another to face reality.
To let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
To let go is not to nag, scold or argue,
but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.
To let go is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it.
To let go is not to criticize or regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To let go is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To let go is to fear less and love more
Remember: The time to love is short

- author unknown

we first started talking in the summer of my junior year going into senior year. i thought he was the most incredible boy i ever met. he was shy, quiet but funny, charming, and perfect in my eyes. he did all the right things at the wrong times but the wrong things at the right time. he never doubted my actions or my decisions and supported me through everything, even when my mom shut me out and when a friend died that august. he texted me every day, almost every hour ending with a phone call lasting 2 hours. i loved every second that we were together but being apart was hard. summer was ending and he was going to college. i wanted to be selfish and keep him for myself but i knew that it was going to hurt me more to stay with him then letting him go and live his life. so i ended it with him. he didn’t want to end, but i broke it.

now 2 years later, i begin to see him with old friends. same guy. same feelings. they came back and we started talking again. the beginning stages of senior year were starting all over again. but i couldn’t do it again. i couldn’t go back to what was the happiest and hardest time of my life. i didn’t want the same thing to happen to me again because i know i would hurt even more. you could say that my heart is guarded, and that i’m being too safe, but how could i not be when it hurt that bad? if this was to be for real this time around, i want things to be different. more mature. more sensible. smarter. it’s been a while since i told him that i just wanted to be friends and i hope that he takes my words for what it is. i told him he was a distraction for me from important things like God and my decisions. that showed me i wasn’t ready to be in a relationship with him. i pray that God would just guide both of us in the right direction, together or not. because i know that God has nothing but the best ahead of us.

things happen for a reason and i know that the pieces will fall into where it should go. when you find that somebody, you feel lucky. but luck has nothing to do with it but God and your heart.